


Accidental Avengers Acquisition

by Zyrieen



Category: Captain America (Movies), Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk (2008), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Behind the Scenes, But not 5 times, Fluff and Humor, Fury is a lying liar who lies, Prank Wars, Short, Sort of like 5 times, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 10:09:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4915441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zyrieen/pseuds/Zyrieen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The different levels of accidental Avengers acquisition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Level 1: Agent Phillip "Cheese" Coulson

"I know what you're doing," came the deceptively even tones of his good eye. Fury squashed the startle impulse to pull his sidearm and aim into the darkness where the voice had come from.

"Stark's taste for melodrama rubbing off on you?" Nick retorted dryly, turning on the lights.

"More like yours," Phil grinned, squinting slightly as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. "I see what you're doing, putting me at ground zero for pretty much every powered meet and greet. Stark I can understand - I'm probably the only agent you have of sufficient clearance that won't shoot him just to shut him up - but Thor? That's a new ballgame, and I get the feeling you're setting me up to be the coach."

Fury's lips stretched into a grin that made the taciturn Director look years younger - and far more sinister. It was, in a word, disturbing.

"Took you long enough, Cheese," Nick confirmed, settling into his chair. "Now, what are you going to do with that information?"

"Why me?"

Fury lifted an eyebrow in silent challenge.

"Hill or Sitwell could have done the same thing."

"I need Hill where she is, and if you think Sitwell has even half your composure you're delusional."

"He does make a good patsy," Coulson murmured softly with a faint half-smile. "So what now? Stark certainly isn't going to quiet down, I have no doubts Thor will be back at some point and Ross certainly doesn't seem willing to let Banner hide. The world is filling up with people that can't be matched. How do we handle this?"

"Let me tell you about the Avengers Initiative..."


	2. Level 2A: Agent Jasper "Patsy" Sitwell

"You want me to what now?" Surprise made Jasper blurt out what he was thinking completely unfiltered, and he winced at Fury's patient face. It was never a good sign when Fury was patient.

"With Coulson gone, you are at the top of a very short list, Agent Sitwell," Fury repeated, "a list of people who could be the Avengers' handler. In this age of gods and monsters, we're going to need the Avengers on our side. Think of them like a team of nukes, with you as the guidance system."

"Oh God," Jasper whimpered. He was going to be crazy or dead by the end of the week.


	3. Level 2B: Assistant Director Maria "Badass" Hill

Assistant Director Maria Hill sighed as she cut the packing tape from the large box. It had been couriered over from Avengers Tower earlier that day, and she was entirely unsurprised when she removed the lid to find Sitwell inside, gagged and hogtied and padded with hundreds of Iron Man stressballs. Well, she'd warned Fury when he was sent in that it wasn't going to end well. Jasper was a good agent, but large personalities like Stark or even Barton ran right over him.

"Sir?" she said into her com, selecting Fury's channel. "I think the Avengers just fired Sitwell."

Fury sighed resignedly - he was about as surprised as she was - before saying something utterly preposterous.

"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to repeat that, I didn't quite catch it."

"I said congratulations Hill, you're the new handler for the Avengers. Good luck," he repeated, and then kicked her off the channel.

Well, shit.


End file.
